I slipped the other day and fell flat on my back. Not physically. Worse: in my mental game. And, once you have been around the block a few times, you begin to realize that the mental game is all that there is, really. So those kind of falls tend to get your attention the most. As I was gasping for breath staring up at the ceiling, I can honestly say that my mental patterns had my undivided attention.
As I was lying there realizing that despite years of hard work and quantum leaping in leaving behind old patterns, I had mired myself in one of my oldest patterns I posses, I felt completely humbled. It ended up taking me two days, four people, and some intense thinking to get out of that one (thanks to those who pushed and pulled ’til I could breathe again) all triggered from a short conversation I had that maybe lasted 3 minutes.
I had tried shifting the mental pattern myself: meditating and reading and visualizing and listening to CDs I had, but it was making me go deeper into it, not change it. I called a friend, and heard myself saying in frustration “I spent all this time sitting and meditating, things ought to have shifted by now!!! Why is this situation exactly the same?? ” Oh boy. Flags were thrown all over the field on that one.
I had slipped into the great confusion for a moment … getting mixed up that giving and trading are the same thing. What is so classic about that is that giving unconditionally is considered one of my specialties. “I should be beyond that, I thought to myself. But here I am.” I had fallen into the thinking that is so common, which is that if I give something (time, energy, passion, love) I should not only get something back of equal value, but that it should happen right away. I meditated, I should have peace! I visualized, I should have my goal! I was grateful for an hour, my world should improve.
I hope you can hear me laughing at myself over the pure hilarity of it all.
I had slipped for a moment and had been giving to get. Maybe you don’t see meditating or sitting in gratitude as giving, but how you are being and what you carry around with you effects the people you touch and interact with. Walking around with a chip on your shoulder gives those in your world a case of the nasties as much as walking around with love and gratitude in your heart opens up new worlds for those you touch. So watching your energy and your innermost thoughts and keeping them in the highest possible place is a real gift to the world. Not that it is the totality of what you need to give, but it is the strong foundation.
I was giving to get, instead of living giver’s gain … giving to give and gain by virtue of the way it makes me feel. [But you wouldn't know about mistakes like that, my friend now would you? 
] I know this can be a tricky thing to navigate, especially when daily life sets things like deadlines, and we slip into the illusion that resources like time, money, and energy are scarce, so I wanted to mention it to you, to help you shift it, if you yourself find this an issue today.
I slipped into fear, which used to be an old pattern and old habit of mine. I let a button get pushed, got scared for a minute, and the result was noticeable. It was a great reminder that yes we can change a lot and relatively quickly, but no matter how far you get, change is still a process, still an evolution, still a walk that needs to be taken daily.
At also was a reminder about the difference between giving to give and giving to get.
While it is absolutely true that you really must – to achieve any happiness at all – give for giving’s sake, and not with the expectation of getting something back from the person or place you are giving to, there is nothing wrong with expecting a return from SOMEWHERE when you give. And this return is always happiness and gratitude if not physical things as well. In fact, it is a great practice to use to assess if you are giving enough value to the world. Feel like you are giving, giving, giving, and empty at the end of the day? A great indication to fuel yourself more, begin to give differently. Spend your day giving what you consider valuable, but struggle for your own needs? A great time to assess how much true value you are giving to others.
But at the end of the day giving must be giving. Not trading. Not about what you will get out of it, if there is anything you are expecting aside from joy. Giving, in order to really be giving, is service. It’s without expectation of return, of compensation, of anything at all. Except the good good good feeling it causes to give. And when you notice that your source, your motivation is off, then stop. Stop and go find someone stronger and smarter and clearer than you in that moment and say “help me up, help me out, please.”
And at some point, EVERYONE will need to ask for help.
The help will work, if it comes with love. Beating yourself up because you slipped and fell (a specialty of mine, or it has been in the past) will keep you out of harmony longer than is needed. Being chastised by self and others won’t do it at all. But a gentle tap on the shoulder, a touch to the hand, a smile, saying “hey … remember how we realized that didn’t work? That doesn’t serve? And we know what does, so we are doing it the new way now. Remember?” Now that will always work, and work quickly.
So I hope that helps you today. As you walk this world and know you are always among friends, and making great progress. Acknowledge where you are at. Love it right there. Love YOU right there. And then go where you really want to. With gratitude. Giving with open hands. With love.
Go do big stuff!
Much love, Laura
